A/N: Please note that there are references to canonical events that happened in Mo Xuanyu’s life. This fic was largely written before I read Ch100 onwards (i.e. Guanyin Temple arc) and so there is some deviation from the events and revelations from this arc. Lastly, the biggest thank you to ike (@ikeracity), beta reader extraordinaire and saviour of my life!!!
1.
Mo Xuanyu preferred not to think about the years after he left — was kicked out — retreated from
(fled)
Koi Tower and the scathing words and scornful looks of Lanling Jin Sect’s disciples. Neither did he care much to reminisce about about the disgust and vitriol that he’d suffered in Mo Village. If he were to be honest, he couldn’t actually be entirely sure of how he passed those years after his mother left him behind, choosing her own dignity over her own son.
Some days were painful. Other days, he was numb. And others still, he was… Well. His family (hah!) and fellow villagers had names for that, and he cared not to repeat those.
He resented the people who claimed blood ties with him and yet treated him — he who had never hurt anyone in his entire life — worse than the real scum in the village, men who took whoever and whatever they wanted. He resented his mother for only ever prioritising what others thought of her over the child that she had nursed in her womb for nine months (mothers are the only ones who are always truly there for you, mothers love you no matter what, mothers are the only good ones in the world, children who have mothers are like treasures, lies, lies LIES—)
He resented his own cowardice and fear, for being trapped in a living hell and hating it but never having the courage to fight back or leave.
Mo Xuanyu didn’t like to think about those days but that night would always be stark in his memory, for better or worse. A crazed haze of anger and misery, pulling out sheaths of paper from the empty space between the wooden wall panellings of the shameful excuse for a room, sweeping his calligraphy brush and pouring all this thoughts and emotions into the empty parchments under the flickering candle light, drawing a knife against his—
If he had the headspace for it, he’d be quite impressed by how he was able to perfectly draw out the array with all that pain and rage.
Well, not quite perfectly. Almost perfectly. Except for one tiny bit.
Mo Xuanyu stared at the body that was rousing as the door to the room was pounded on. He watched as his own face blinked blearily awake in confusion. He clenched his fists when his body was kicked so hard that his head impacted against the ground with a thud when the body was thrown backwards.
That was okay. That was fine. It didn’t matter now. What was important was that he had the Yiling Patriarch now... Did he have the Yiling Patriarch Wei Wuxian? It was hard to tell when he didn’t look… evil.
But that was understandable right? Because it was his own body? He wasn’t evil! It wouldn’t be surprising for the Yiling Patriarch to not look evil in the body of someone who was definitely not evil. Though Mo Xuanyu had thought that maybe the aura would change or something.
His eyelid twitched when he heard his body mutter, “You’ve got the wrong person…”
… At least whoever was inhabiting his body now seemed to understand the terms of the contract forced upon them. Even if it wasn’t the Yiling Patriarch, they would know what needed to be done. And they would do it, or risk their spirit being annihilated completely, never to return to the cycle of rebirth. That was all that Mo Xuanyu needed. Seeing the Yiling Patriarch wreak additional havoc upon the world would be a nice bonus, sure, but a bonus all the same.
His body sat back on the floor in lotus position after inspecting the room. After seeing that they weren’t going to do anything else, Mo Xuanyu sat down as well and waited.
He had all the time in the world. He was dead already, after all.
2.
There were a few things that Mo Xuanyu realised in quick succession as he followed the donkey out of Mo Village.
First, there was a limit to the distance that he could stay away from his body. If he exceeded the radius, he felt a tug pulling against his chest and then he would quickly find his spirit being dragged in whichever direction his body was going. Thus, his following the person who was fleeing the village on a donkey.
Second, he still had no idea if it was the Yiling Patriarch in his body or if it was someone else. But whoever it was, they didn’t seem evil at all, which was somewhat heartening. It was nice to know his face and body weren’t in the control of some evil spirit at the end of the day. Not that he really cared about it, but he was feeling magnanimous now that everyone who was supposed to die had died, and his resentment against the world had faded from suffocating acrimony to background indignation.
Third, seeing those curs die had been satisfying. He could feel the chains that pressed achingly against his heart slowly loosen. What he didn't expect was a fresh wave of pain as he watched them fall one by one. He might have cried, he thought, if spirits could cry, and wasn't that strange? To have the sadness and anger and relief from years of being wronged and abused washing over you all at once and feeling like a boat being knocked against rocky shores amidst a storm, and all you could do was hold on tight because there was nothing else that could be done. He wished he could cry; it might have made it easier.
But that was then, and now. Now he… he wasn’t really sure what he was feeling. Maybe somewhat numb, but not the numbness from before. It was more like an emptiness that came from suddenly being able to go anywhere he wanted and yet unable to do anything as a ghost. What was he supposed to do now? Was he forced to follow his body forever? Had he made a mistake when drawing the array, or was this the price for practising a ritual that was forbidden?
Fourth, on the topic of those deaths, Mo Xuanyu realised… his body hadn’t even had to do anything to kill them. The demon hand did it for him. Were those people always meant to get what they deserved today?
Could he have tasted freedom if he just waited one more day? Did he not have to die?
So many years… They couldn't have died during during those hundreds and thousands of days, no, they just had to wait for him to kill himself first before receiving retribution.
They said that death brought clarity and new perspectives. He wasn't really sure what perspective he was supposed to be having now.
3.
Something terrible about being incorporeal was that it limited the number of ways you could express your emotions. On top of being unable to cry, as he had learnt days earlier, Mo Xuanyu also came to the frustrating realisation that he was unable to interact with the physical world. Kicking a rock, for instance, when you're bored, or punching a wall when you're angry. Or even pinching yourself.
Mo Xuanyu lingered at the furthest edge of the group of Gusu Lan Sect disciples making their way back to Cloud Recesses from Dafan Mountain. His eyes drifted to where Hanguang-jun was tolerating a man’s body being draped on him with aplomb. Mo Xuanyu watched as his own face leered at Hanguang-jun and was not pushed away.
A thought flitted through his mind… No. That couldn't be.
He looked away.
4.
Hanguang-jun apparently did like his appearance so much that he had him taken into his private chambers. Where his body slept overnight.
In Hanguang-jun's bed. In Hanguang-jun's arms.
Mo Xuanyu drifted along the perimeter of the furthest distance he could stay away from his body and stopped when he came across a gurgling stream. He watched as the moon's distorted reflection shifted on the water surface. After some time, a snail appeared on the leaf, its slime trail glimmering ever so slightly.
Nights were long. He hadn’t realised that until he died.
5.
“Wei Ying,” Hanguang-jun called out in a dark street.
Ah, Mo Xuanyu thought as he watched Hanguang-jun scoop the Yiling Patriarch into his arms. Of course. The noble Hanguang-jun wouldn't be so superficial as to like some stranger solely on their appearance. It had nothing to do with how Mo Xuanyu looked, after all.
He ignored the mix of relief and disappointment churning in his gut. There was another thread of darker emotion in there too, but he pushed it down as well. It got easier, after years of practice in suppressing your thoughts and feelings.
6.
If nothing else, though, following Hanguang-jun and the Yiling Patriarch did provide some entertainment and excitement. They tracked some sort of demon hand and explored dangerous places and Hanguang-jun fought beautifully. When they play the guqin and the flute at night to calm the demon hand (and later on, the other body parts as well), Mo Xuanyu could feel himself approach tranquillity for the first time in his existence.
The past few years had been dominated by anger and shame and pain. To experience anything else like peace, or joy, or interest and curiosity… He hadn't even realised how much he missed being able to feel. He had never been anywhere besides Mo Village and Koi Tower, and now he was travelling the world. It was like being unceremoniously pulled out of a coffin and shoved into a wide world. It was wondrous. It was terrifying. It was electrifying.
It was simultaneously the worst and the best thing and he couldn't get enough of it.
And so, he followed them, and it began to become something less of a necessity and more of just something that he wanted to do. There was a bittersweet element to it as well; Mo Xuanyu was self-aware enough to know he would never have been brave enough to have ventured out of Mo Village on his own. But now he was dead and therefore had nothing to fear. Maybe it wasn’t all bad.
7.
He quickly reassessed the last part about having nothing to fear as he backed up, his breath instinctively quickening (a part of his brain recognised this as odd since he didn't even have to breathe anymore, but he was no expert on spirits so what did he know) as the Ghost General stalked up towards him. Could the Ghost General hurt him? Break his spirit into smithereens and prevent him from ever being reborn again? Those were stupid questions, of course he could, he was the Ghost General and he was looking murderous and Mo Xuanyu was running out of spaces to back up to because he could feel a faint pressure that meant he was approaching the limit to the distance he could stay away from his body—
“Who are you,” the Ghost General Wen Ning growled, “and why are you impersonating Wei-gongzi.” Before Mo Xuanyu could even squeak out a protest, the Ghost General suddenly lunged forward, arm outstretched and reaching for his throat—
“No!” Mo Xuanyu cried out, eyes squeezed shut and arms instinctively raised in a futile attempt to block him—
He felt a faint pressure against his forearms and then his throat and then a shudder and—
Nothing.
Mo Xuanyu carefully opened his eyes and nearly yelled at how close the Ghost General's face was. He looked down and saw part of an arm sticking into him.
Huh. He was still ali… present. Existing. Eyeing the Ghost General warily, he sidestepped, breath hitching when he felt his soul tremble as the arm left his body.
“You are… a spirit?” The Ghost General's brows were slightly furrowed. His eyes tracked Mo Xuanyu's movements even as his body was still. It was extremely unnerving.
“Yes, I, I'm the one who… The body that the Yiling Patria— I mean!” Mo Xuanyu hastily corrected himself when the Ghost General's eyes narrowed, “Wei, Wei-gongzi! The body that he has now, it was originally mine.”
“You are saying that Wei-gongzi seized your body?”
“No! I… I offered it to him.”
The Ghost General lowered his arm slowly and tilted his head slightly to the side as he considered Mo Xuanyu’s words. “Why? Are you one of those cultivators who worship him? What did you bring him back for?”
“I’m not, I’m not, I promise. It was… it was for personal reasons.”
“... Vengeance.”
Mo Xuanyu couldn’t tell if it was a question or a statement and the Ghost General’s emotionless face revealed no clues regarding what he thought about it. He looked away and answered nonetheless in a quiet voice, “Yes.”
There was a moment of silence where Mo Xuanyu wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do or say, until the Ghost General asked, “What are you going to do now?”
“Umm… I’m not doing anything. I’m just following Wei-gongzi because there is some sort of force tying me to him, or maybe my body. I can’t go beyond a certain distance away from him. Though, I think…” Mo Xuanyu peered around the corner, looking at the inn where the Yiling Patriarch was staying right now. “I think I’m a bit further today than the limit during the first few days when Wei-gongzi first inhabited my body.”
“I see. Does Wei-gongzi know about you?”
Mo Xuanyu shrank back. “No, I don’t think so.”
The Ghost General nodded to himself. “I will tell him then.”
Without thinking, Mo Xuanyu quickly interrupted him, “No, please don’t!” Under the Ghost General’s stare, he swallowed reflexively but added, “I don’t… I don’t want to yet. He’s the— he’s him, and I’m just… And he’s busy too, with tracking down the body parts, it’s not important for him to know, I’m just a spirit only anyway.”
“Body parts?”
“Yes, there was this arm in Mo Village — my village, the one where I had lived in — and it belonged to a body that was cut up and… It’s a long story, shall I, shall I tell you about what Wei-gongzi has been doing since he returned? Would you like to sit down for it?”
The Ghost General blinked, hesitated, and then carefully sat down. “I would like that, please. Tell me how Wei-gongzi has been,” he said quietly.
And so, Mo Xuanyu did.
8.
The Ghost General Wen Ning, Mo Xuanyu found, was a rather quiet man who was surprisingly easy to talk to once he deemed you not to be a threat to Wei Wuxian. He gave Mo Xuanyu his fullest attention when he was speaking, even during the times when they digressed into things that weren’t Wei Wuxian-related, like Mo Xuanyu missing being able to eat sometimes. There was one time, a few years ago, when a blind old lady at the edge of the village offered him some of her seaweed soup. It was one of the best things he had ever tasted.
She died several months later, when he went to visit her during one of his more… cognizant states. There was a man there going through her things and putting some of them into a sack. When the man spotted him, the man shouted at him and accused him of wanting to steal his mother’s things. He had run away immediately.
“I also… sometimes miss my aunt’s cooking,” Wen Ning said quietly, breaking Mo Xuanyu’s train of thought, and Mo Xuanyu turned to look at him, surprised. Wen Ning continued, staring at the ground like he was deep in thought, “One time Maiden Jiang brought lotus soup for us and gave me a bowl as well. I wasn’t able to drink it. I wish I could have, though.”
It was the first time that Wen Ning offered something about himself. It also made Mo Xuanyu realise that they were both actually… quite similar. Dead people stuck in the land of the living.
“That’s a shame. It must have been good. Is Maiden Jiang… she’s Wei-gongzi’s shijie, right? She sounds nice.”
“Yes. She was.” And Wen Ning fell silent again after that.
Recognising it as a sensitive topic, Mo Xuanyu moved on and continued talking about Wei Wuxian’s travels so far. Wen Ning never spoke again beyond asking for more details, but Mo Xuanyu found that he didn’t really mind. This was the first time in weeks that someone could hear him speak, and it was also the first time in years he was having a friendly conversation.
It was nice. It was really nice.
9.
Wei Wuxian had instructed Wen Ning to go and rest, but really what need did the dead have for rest? He simply followed his master from a distance. Mo Xuanyu came to find that he liked travelling with Wen Ning when he could, when Wen Ning didn’t have to move further back to avoid detection. The silence was companionable; it helped to know that the option of conversing was there, even if neither of them took it up.
As they approached Lanling City, Wen Ning stopped and turned to Mo Xuanyu. “I will not be entering the city. It will bring Wei-gongzi trouble if anyone spots me.”
“Oh…” Mo Xuanyu replied, crestfallen. He had hoped to have a… a friendly acquaintance with him when he was forced to enter Koi Tower.
Wen Ning paused. “Are you… okay?”
“I’m fine, I’m fine!” He waved his hands in front of him, and bit his lips when Wen Ning simply frowned. “Just… poor memories of Koi Tower. People I’d rather not see again. But it’s fine, I’ll just… stay around the edges as much as I can.”
And stay around the edges he did, as much as he could, near the guest residences where he knew there would not be many people about just yet. It was uncomfortable to be back in Koi Tower. Mo Xuanyu squeezed his eyes shut and hunkered down in a corner with his arms crossed. He tried to focus on his breathing (and wasn’t that strange, to still breathe when he was dead. Was he even really breathing? Or did his spirit simply remember the action of breathing? It wasn’t only that, he sometimes found himself doing other things like blinking when he probably could keep his eyes open forever. Now, wasn’t that a thought—)
Between one thought and the next, Mo Xuanyu found himself hurtling through a wall, the tug on him pulling him across an empty room, a corridor, a pillar, deeper into the heart of Koi Tower, towards—
No, no I don’t want to be here—
the main residences—
“What are you doing here!”
“What’s going on? Second young master Jin asked me to come—”
he tried to stop, to grab onto a banister, a table, but he might as well have been trying to grab smoke—
“So it’s true! He’s a fucking cutsleeve! And he’s lusting over his own brother, disgusting!”
why were they here, why was he here, why was Wei Wuxian forcing him to come—
“Pervert! Worse than scum! A disgrace to morality!”
“He’s unworthy of being a Lanling Jin Sect disciple!”
“I’m sorry, Xuanyu, but what you feel is wrong—”
“You don’t have to apologise to him, Second Young Master Lan! He’s the one who’s in the wrong!”
“But, but I don’t even like you like that, you were the one who called me here—”
A punch to the face. “Watch your damn mouth!”
“We have to get you help, Xuanyu, I will explain to Father—”
“Second Young Master Lan is so virtuous! He’s even trying to help that trash even though he’s the one who’s had to suffer from his perversion!”
He dug his nails into his palm and bit his tongue but there was no pain to pull him out of the maze array carved into his soul, trapping him in from all corners, mocking voices reverberating through his mind like shockwaves and equally merciless and uncaring. If this was the real price to pay for sacrificing his body to the ritual then he should have given up his life without demanding revenge. His thoughts were a mess and there was a roaring in his ears—
(a roaring in his—
where was the sound coming from—
he couldn't breathe—
but that was fine because he was already dead—
but he couldn’t breathe—
Someone, please, no, please believe me, I’m not in love with him, I only see him as a brother, there is a misunderstanding, what’s going on, why—
make it stop make it stop stop stop stop STOP—)
Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-jun were running… somewhere. He didn’t even really register it until he was being dragged towards the gates to the steps of the Koi Tower.
A boy was shouting something, indecipherable due to the shouts and yells of the angry mob from behind.
A sword passing smoothly into a body. Blood staining a blade, dripping onto the floor.
The harsh scrape of metal against metal. A kick. The boy falling. The mob getting closer and closer.
And then they were in the air.
Koi Tower stretched further and further away until its yellow roof tiles couldn’t be seen anymore.
10.
The night sky stretched far above him as Mo Xuanyu sat alone, beside the stream he found on his first day in the Cloud Recesses. The world was vast.
It didn’t feel much different from the nights he sat alone, facing the four corners of his shack in Mo Village.
11.
When he saw Wen Ning again, it was when Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-jun left the Cloud Recesses to travel to the Burial Mounds. Wen Ning’s eyes were dark when Wei Wuxian exclaimed that he was hurting.
“He’s healing well,” Mo Xuanyu quickly said. “He’s alright. Don’t worry.”
Wen Ning didn’t say anything, but he was much less tense after they saw Wei Wuxian grinning to himself after Hanguang-jun lifted him onto the donkey.
“... Are you alright too?” Wen Ning asked.
Mo Xuanyu startled. “What?”
“You didn’t look happy about going to Koi Tower. Are you alright?”
“I’m fine, I’m fine!” Mo Xuanyu said with a laugh, but perhaps he didn’t have enough practice with laughing because Wen Ning simply continued looking at him with concern. Mo Xuanyu looked away.
“I’m fine, I really am,” he said at last. “I… wasn’t, then. But now I am. Really.”
“Okay. If you… if you want to talk about it, if it will help you, you can. My sister said it is unhealthy to keep things bottled up inside you,” Wen Ning said seriously. And then his eyes widened slightly and he added, “But if it makes you feel uncomfortable or sad again, you don’t have to!”
This time, the laughter came more easily. “You are a nice person, Wen-gongzi.”
Wen Ning startled. “Oh. Umm, I’m not really… And please call me Wen Ning.”
Mo Xuanyu smiled. “Then Wen Ning-xiong can call me Xuanyu.”
It seemed rather stiff, but the corners of Wen Ning’s mouth moved up just the slightest bit. “Alright, sure.”
They trailed behind Wei Wuxian — who had begun to play his flute — and Hanguang-jun for a while, and then Mo Xuanyu suddenly spoke again.
“Do you know that Jin Guangshan is my father?”’
Wen Ning turned to look at him. “No, I didn’t.”
Mo Xuanyu nodded. “I was brought to Lanling Jin Sect about ten years ago and accepted as a disciple, after he abandoned my mother and me when I was just a child. My mother was ecstatic, and I was happy about it for a while. I wanted to learn a lot of skills and make him proud. Make him be my father again, so that my mother would be happier.
“I’m not… I’m not very good at cultivation, but I tried. I studied hard and paid attention. I tried to make myself useful and to help out where I could. I’d like to think that I was hardworking, even if I wasn’t very talented,” Mo Xuanyu said with a smile, though his heart wasn’t in it. “Maybe too eager to please, though. One day, my father asked for some help in moving some books, and I said sure, of course. We talked a bit on the way, about my studies and about my friends, and he was… I guess he was nice. He seemed to care, in a way, though he was still rather distant.
“After that, Jin Guangyao came to talk to me and said that Father wanted him to take more care of me since we were brothers. I was thrilled. I hadn’t really dared to talk to any of my brothers because, well, I knew of my own standing. But now, it seemed like Father was beginning to recognise me as his son and my brother was being kind and offering to teach me all sorts of skills. Since I wasn’t physically strong, he taught me about arrays instead and about spiritual power. That’s where I learnt to draw.
“I practised day and night. We also talked a lot, about what my life was like before I came and about what I wanted to do in the future. I was honest about it and said that I hoped that Father would come to see that I could be helpful. Jin Guangyao had laughed and called me earnest. I then said it would be nice if Father was willing to bring Mother to Koi Tower so that she could live a better life. He smiled and didn’t say anything about that.”
Mo Xuanyu paused when Wei Wuxian laughed aloud and poked at Hanguang-jun’s shoulder. Wen Ning brushed his hand against Mo Xuanyu’s arm, and he gave him a weak but grateful smile. After he got his emotions under control again, he continued, “Anyway. Long story short, with the clarity that comes with retrospect, it turns out that Jin Guangyao had been testing me all along. Father hadn’t asked him to teach me in the first place. I’m not sure why Jin Guangyao bothered with me, really.” Mo Xuanyu snorted. “I was never a threat to him. But I suppose he didn’t want to risk it.
“I was called to his study one night. Turns out that he had called others as well. I was accused of harassing and lusting after my own brother. Jin Guangyao felt uncomfortable and unsafe by my apparent love—” he spat out the word “—for him. Father was furious. I was immediately expelled.” Mo Xuanyu turned to look at Wen Ning, who had a pained expression on his face. He wasn’t sure what sort of expression he had on right now. “I was only a boy then. Do you know how much older Jin Guangyao was? He was an adult man. I was a boy.
“I was sent back to Mo Village in disgrace, and my mother took her own life out of shame soon after. The rest of my family treated me worse than dirt and the village followed their lead. I used to be called Mo-gongzi when Lanling Jin Sect’s representatives came to announce that I was going to be their disciple. Everyone was so respectful. When I came back, they called me Mo-fengzi, and worse.
“The years after that were… I don’t really want to talk about them. But one day I couldn’t take it anymore. I remembered the forbidden array from when Jin Guangyao showed me one of his private books; my memory’s pretty good, isn’t it?” Mo Xuanyu laughed. “I’m not really sure what he was doing, showing me that book. Maybe that was the final test, to see if I was really skilled in arrays and a threat to him. Which is funny, because he’s the one who taught me how to draw arrays in the first place. I would have just been an ant to him if he had just left me alone and I never realised that I had the ability. But no, he saw me talking to Father and got suspicious. Funny how life works, isn’t it? And well, now I’m here."
Wen Ning was quiet after that. Mo Xuanyu didn’t dare look at him. He didn’t know… he didn’t really know why he was so willing to talk about all of this with him, except that Wen Ning was a great listener and no one had ever been willing to hear his story before. There was a great sense of relief in finally getting it all out, even though there was trepidation as well.
After a few minutes, Mo Xuanyu felt a firm pressure on his shoulder. He turned around and found Wen Ning hovering his hand on it, not enough to press through it but just enough to let him feel its presence. “It must have been hard for you.”
Mo Xuanyu swallowed. “You… you believe me?”
Wen Ning looked surprised. “Yes.” He paused. “Did no one else…?”
“No. Maybe… maybe because…” He darted a look at Wen Ning. “I… I do like men…” he said quietly.
“Oh.” Wen Ning blinked. “That doesn’t mean you would like your own brother though.”
Mo Xuanyu’s fingers twitched. He wanted to grab something. He wanted to hold something. He kind of wanted to hug Wen Ning right now. There was a lump in his throat. “Yes,” he choked out, “Exactly. Yes. Thank you.”
“Thank you?”
“For believing me.”
The vindication that he felt loosened something inside him. During dark moments, there were times when he wondered if maybe, if everyone was saying that he was twisted and disgusting, that he desired his own kin, then maybe he really was…?
But that was over. That didn’t matter anymore. He wasn’t. He wasn’t, and Wen Ning knew that. Wen Ning believed him.
“It will be alright now,” Wen Ning said. He had such a serious look on his face and spoke with such force, as if he was going to make it true even if it might not have been. And even if it wasn’t always going to be true, Mo Xuanyu believed that for now, it was.
12.
Wei Wuxian continued to play his flute. Hanguang-jun was a picture of serenity as he led the donkey forward with no complaint.
“You know, when we met Hanguang-jun,” Mo Xuanyu began as he watched the pair, “I was so surprised that he seemed to… to like me so much. Or, my body, I guess.” It was like the dam that had kept all his thoughts in had collapsed and he couldn’t really stop the flood if he tried. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to, either. Mo Xuanyu had quickly come to see Wen Ning as a friend, a trusted confidant even. Who was Wen Ning going to tell, anyway? he rationalised with himself, not daring to think much about whether Wen Ning considered him a friend in return, Wei Wuxian? Why would the Yiling Patriarch care?
Anyway. Wen Ning wouldn’t tell. Whether he minded being rambled at was another matter though.
Mo Xuanyu peered nervously at Wen Ning. The look that he received was one that was attentive and without judgment, so he continued. “It was flattering, that he would like someone like me, and I was… I felt regret, and also some anger and jealousy towards Wei-gongzi. I resented how he was the one who got Hanguang-jun's attention when it was my body. And I wondered if… if maybe I had the courage to leave Mo village and set out on my own, if maybe I would have met Hanguang-jun, or, or at least someone like him! Someone nice and kind and strong. And, you know. I would have been cared for. Then I wouldn’t have had to suffer so many years, and I wouldn’t… you know. Have done what I did.”
He laughed. “And then, turns out Hanguang-jun knew it was Wei-gongzi all along! I was so shocked. But I guess that makes sense, doesn't it? I guess I didn't have a chance of…” His smile faltered just a bit momentarily, before it turned wry. “I guess this was how things were meant to play out all along.” With a chuckle, he added quietly, “That's life.”
Mo Xuanyu felt a touch on his arm. He felt his lips curving upwards into something like a smile, though he didn’t really feel like smiling much at all. “Here’s the thing, though. Wei-gongzi wasn’t actually the one who killed those people. It was the arm.” He swallowed. “All I had to do, really, was just hang on for one more day. But then, I think, so what if I had stayed alive for one more day? Would it really have been better? I was such a mess back then, there were days when I just, I was just… But if I didn’t, then—” He broke off, gesturing an arm at Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-jun before them. “Should I have lived? Or should I have died? Was dying the right thing to do?”
Wen Ning had a pained look on his face when Mo Xuanyu had turned to look at him, frantic. He wasn’t even really sure what he was frantic about, but this question had been looping about in his mind every so often since his death and it had finally reached the point where it was unbearable.
Who had asked Wen Ning to be such a good audience? To be so kind to him?
No. That wasn’t fair.
Mo Xuanyu looked at his feet. There was silence, and he closed his eyes. Of course he would immediately ruin this. When had the heavens ever been kind enough to give him something nice without taking it away in the worst possible way—
“I think…” Wen Ning said slowly, breaking through his thoughts, “I am happy that Wei-gongzi is back, but I am also sad that you had to go through a life of such pain. And yet, I am also glad to be able to meet you… I'm sorry, Xuanyu. I don't really know what to say, or if I'm being too inconsiderate and selfish.”
The smile on Mo Xuanyu’s lips this time was small but genuine: “It's okay. I'm happy to have met you too.” Wen Ning smiled back at him.
They fell back into silence after that, Mo Xuanyu musing. If he hadn’t died, then who knew what his life would be like right now. But now that Mo Xuanyu was dead, Wei Wuxian could return and figure out whatever machinations Jin Guangyao had set into motion. And now that he was dead, he was finally gone from Mo Village and could see the world and have a friend.
It was hard to weigh the value of taking your own life.
13.
“Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan! Look at that!” They had reached the top of a hill and the evening sun had lit the world below aflame. Burnished gold leaves rustled above a carpet of orange and yellow that was cut through with a glistening stream. In the distance, wisps of clouds drifted towards the north. Mo Xuanyu drifted forward too, raising a hand to block out the piercing glare of the sun from his eyes.
“What a sight that is,” he breathed. Near to him, Wei Wuxian was already chattering about similar beautiful evenings in Lotus Pier while Hanguang-jun gave monosyllabic replies. Wei Wuxian didn’t seem daunted by that at all though.
When Mo Xuanyu returned to where Wen Ning was standing under a tree, Wen Ning was serenely watching his master gesticulate wildly. Mo Xuanyu had come to realise that there was something about Wen Ning when he wasn’t getting ready for combat or vigilantly seeking threats in the vicinity. He had a calming presence about him and also a (and perhaps this was slightly mean to say) dazed look, like he wasn’t entirely sure what was going on but was pleased about the situation anyway. Mo Xuanyu knew that such a look was deceptive; Wen Ning was extremely observant and could switch into battle-ready mode at the snap of fingers. Still, when he was relaxed, he became someone who was easy to be with. In Mo Xuanyu’s opinion, at least. Wen Ning was nothing like what the rumours said, and neither was Wei Wuxian.
When he mentioned that to Wen Ning, the latter looked at him solemnly and said, “Wei-gongzi is a good man. He is the best man I know.”
“Yes,” Mo Xuanyu replied as he thought back to scenes of Wei Wuxian drawing the curse from Jinling, Wei Wuxian playing with a bunch of children, Wei Wuxian giving mentorship advice to the junior disciples in Yi City. He wanted to think that he had had enough experience with people who were awful to be able to tell who were good. He wondered what other rumours about Wei Wuxian were lies. “Yes, I have come to realise that.”
Wen Ning smiled at him.
14.
They spent the night in an abandoned shack, or at least Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-jun did. Wen Ning sat on a branch of a large tree close by and told Mo Xuanyu about how his sister had raised him. He talked about how she taught him how to identify and differentiate medicinal herbs, how she had had a bad temper and often yelled at him for not meeting her expectations, how she also bought him new bows and arrows and quivers even though he never had the courage to compete. He talked about his uncles who liked to discuss songbirds and his aunts who patched up his clothes whenever he tore them. His cousins, some who scorned him, others who were kind and helped to divert attention away from him. The nephews and nieces that he had. One of them had been with them in the Burial Mounds.
“What’s the place like?”
“It’s… There’s a mountain, and it has some caves up there. Outside, there was this flat area where we would plant vegetables and herbs. We would make our own meals with whatever we grew and one of my aunts would go out to hunt rabbits and mountain pheasants with her husband. We’d have to go down to town occasionally to buy rice and anything else we couldn’t grow or make. Or sometimes we’d go to town when Wei-gongzi was bored too,” he added with a laugh.
Mo Xuanyu was lying on his stomach on a branch, resting his head on his arms. “That sounds nice.”
“It wasn’t much, really. Pretty drab. My nephew would go out and grab some of the wildflowers and place them in corners on the floor in the cave. He would cry if people stepped on them.” Wen Ning looked down at where his hands rested in his lap and smiled.
“What a cute child! And you, Wen Ning-xiong? What would you do?”
“Me? I didn’t really do much. Just moving things around. Helping Wei-gongzi out when he was making things, or moving tables about when my sister was brewing medicine or when the elders were cooking. Looking after my nephew. That’s all.”
Mo Xuanyu peered up at him. “You say that, but I’m sure it’s more than that.”
Wen Ning laughed. “What else is there? We were just living in the mountains and making do. It’s not really as exciting as it seems. We just wanted people to leave us alone.”
“Oh… Can I ask you something? Why was Wei-gongzi living in the mountains with you and your family?”
“He… I helped him once, before the Sunshot Campaign. He never forgot, and so after the war, he saved my family in turn even though he didn’t have to. I had died, then, but he brought me back, and well. People weren’t too happy about that. And so we kept to the mountains. I am grateful and will be eternally indebted to him, but sometimes I wonder if maybe the cost for him has been too high.”
“That’s…” Mo Xuanyu bit his lip. He wasn’t sure if he had any right to say this, but— “I don’t think… that you should feel guilty about it. I think Wei-gongzi would still have chosen to save your family if he were to redo everything. He’s that kind of noble type, isn’t he?” Things were out of your control anyway, he wanted to say, but wasn’t sure if he should. Instead, he clambered up and came to sit on the same branch as Wen Ning. He patted Wen Ning’s knee and said, “Maybe when we finally leave this plane and go to the underworld, if your sister and your family are still there and are not yet reborn, can I meet them?”
“Sure,” Wen Ning said, surprised.
It was strange. This was the first time Mo Xuanyu was planning for something in the future, even though he wasn’t even sure if it would happen or not. Maybe they were to be stuck here forever. Or maybe there wasn’t really an underworld. Or maybe when they went there, everyone Wen Ning knew might have left already. Or maybe they wouldn’t go together at all.
But still. There was now something to vaguely look forward to. Mo Xuanyu grabbed onto that feeling. “And then tomorrow, if we see some of the medicinal plants tomorrow on the way, can you show them to me?”
“Yes,” Wen Ning repeated. “Yes, that might be fun.”
15.
Wen Ning didn’t get to show him many, though he did point out a few and dutifully recited their properties and how they were to be prepared. But they reached the Burial Mounds before too long, and then there was a brutal fight, and then they were fleeing to Lotus Pier.
Many things happened in quick succession, but the nicest part was when Wen Ning realised that his nephew was still alive. Mo Xuanyu had been thrilled for him, but he didn’t get to congratulate him much before Wei Wuxian was pulling him deeper into Lotus Pier.
And then. Well.
Things quickly came to a close, soon after.
16.
The funny thing about life was… Well, there were many things that were funny about life, perhaps because the heavens were often mercurial, but the funny thing right now was that sometimes you can go for years alone and then meet someone who didn’t necessarily change your life (or death, as it were) but still gently pushed it into an alignment that helped to fit certain parts of your soul together.
When the dust had settled down, Wen Ning brought Mo Xuanyu to talk to Wei Wuxian. Or rather, talk to Wei Wuxian via Hanguang-jun’s guqin. Mo Xuanyu had had some time to think about what was to come next, now that Jin Guangyao was gone. He still wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted to do, or whether there was even anything that he could do here, but he was certain that he didn’t really want to drift about as a ghost forever tied to Wei Wuxian, no matter how interesting things might be.
When he had asked Wen Ning about his plans, he had fallen silent. He needed time, he had said, to think. For now, he wanted to spend some time with his nephew and retrieve the ashes of his family from the Burial Mounds. But after that, he wasn’t entirely sure.
“Do you… Have you ever thought about leaving? This world?” Or did he intend to stay around as long as Lan Sizhui was alive? Or Wei Wuxian? Wei Wuxian was probably going to become an immortal, Mo Xuanyu thought, if Hanguang-jun had anything to say about it. It would be a really long time.
Wen Ning looked uncertain and did not reply. Mo Xuanyu didn’t push him about it. But it would be nice, he thought, rather guilty about his selfish wish, if he didn’t have to go to the underworld alone.
In the end, they decided to see if Wei Wuxian could figure out how to unbind Mo Xuanyu’s soul from his body. And in the meantime, he would have time to think about what other things he might want to do, what places he might want to visit. Wen Ning would go to the Burial Mounds with Sizhui, and then when he returned… They could talk about their plans again then. They had time, after all.
“You look… lighter, Xuanyu,” Wen Ning observed, when Mo Xuanyu came to see him off. “Happier. I’m glad.”
“Me too.” Mo Xuanyu smiled. He still didn’t have answers to the questions that he had asked after dying, but now he wondered if it mattered. Did he really need to have answers to them? Maybe that might mean that he was simply avoiding them, but… He was dead already, after all. What was the point in troubling himself with them? He had had a poor enough time when he was alive, didn’t he deserve to have fewer worries now? “I’ll see you again soon! Maybe Wei-gongzi can figure out how to let me go further from the body by the time you return, so next time we can go someplace and have fun.”
“Sure,” Wen Ning replied, gently pressing a hand onto Mo Xuanyu’s arm. “I’ll be back soon.” The pressure on his arm was like a promise, and Mo Xuanyu’s smile widened. Another phrase he hadn’t heard in a long while. There were so many things that he had experienced and was still experiencing in death that made him feel… alive. More so than before he died. It didn’t make his chest ache anymore though. There were things that he could look forward to now. Promises to be fulfilled. There was time for him to figure things out, and if he couldn’t figure them out, he had a friend who could help him now. And wasn’t that enough?
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